When it comes to sex, thereÕs lots of room for error. Are you making any of these common mistakes? Plus, do you have good manners in bed? Find out with our quizÉ Sex Mistake #1: Assuming heÕs always up for sex. This might hold true for teenage boys, but not men. Once they hit their mid-20s, many things compete for their energy, says sexpert Tracey Cox, author of More Hot Sex (Bantam) and 10 other sex books. Work pressures, bills and everyday life can dampen his libido. ÒHeÕs not like a vibrator,Ó Cox says. ÒYou canÕt just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue.Ó
If heÕs not into it, it doesnÕt mean he doesnÕt desire you anymore. He truly may not be in the mood.
Sex Mistake #2: Thinking sex ends when he climaxes. Just because heÕs fulfilled doesnÕt mean you are. Let him know you havenÕt finished and help him find ways to get you there with his hands or mouth.
If heÕs consistently too wiped out to give you the attention you deserve, Cox says, have your needs met before his next time.
Sex Mistake #3: Obsessing about your body The numbers on the scale arenÕt what youÕd likeÉ so what? Putting on weight is no excuse for avoiding sex.
Or maybe your weight is fine, but youÕre fixating on another flaw.
Guess what? If he wants to have sex with you, he thinks youÕre sexy, Cox says.
If your self-image is hindering your sex life, consult a therapist, join a support group, read a self-help book, or check out Get Out of Your HeadÉ and into Bed! Sex Mistake #4: Not giving him any guidance. Pleasing a woman is no easy task, Cox says. So help him out! Give him explicit directions Ð when, where, how hard, how fast and more. If youÕre too embarrassed to cue him verbally, find another way. For example, if youÕre watching a sex scene in a movie, say something like, ÒThatÕs a good moveÓ or ÒThat doesnÕt do it for me.Ó
Or bookmark pages in a sex book and ask him to read them. Or let out a moan when he does something that pleases you.
When it comes to sex, communication is key.
Sex Mistake #5: Overreacting when he suggests something new. Most of us do the same thing day in and day out. And whether itÕs in the bedroom or the boardroom, routine can get boring. Men like looking at, trying out and experimenting with new things. ThereÕs nothing wrong about it, Cox says. Suggesting something new is not a criticism of you. ItÕs simply a craving for variety. So have an open mind.
ÒOften someone will say ÔThatÕs the weirdest, craziest thing IÕve ever heard,Õ and theyÕll tell their friends whoÕll say ÔThatÕs not that crazy, why are you reacting like that?ÕÓ says Emma Taylor, half of sexpert team Em & Lo, authors of Em & LoÕs Sex Toy: An A-Z Guide to Bedside Accessories (Chronicle Books).
The best part? He wants to try it with you.
Sex Mistake #6: Surprising him with something wild.
If you want to take a walk on the wild side, talk first. Massages, concert tickets and flowers make great surprises. Blindfolds, handcuffs and a riding crop do not. Same goes for tush play Ð itÕs poor manners (and possibly assault) to try to slip in there without asking first. Sex Mistake #7: Saying someone elseÕs name. ÒGood luck slithering out of that one,Ó Taylor says. ÒYouÕll be offering a lot of unreciprocated oral sex and doing a lot of dishes to dig yourself out of that hole.Ó
Of course, that may depend whose name you screamed out Ð George ClooneyÕs or your exÕs Ð especially if your current partner wonders if youÕre really over the ex.
You could tell him that fantasy is pretty common. ÒWomen can say itÕs just something women do, that they call on images from their past, that itÕs all fantasy, that it doesnÕt mean anything,Ó Taylor says.
Sex Mistake #8: Not disclosing you have an STD. Many people with STDs fear theyÕll be rejected if they share their status with a partner. So they keep mum, figuring they donÕt have to volunteer the information if their partners donÕt inquire.
This ÒdonÕt ask, donÕt tellÓ policy is a serious breach of sexual etiquette Ð it puts your partnerÕs health at risk, Taylor says. Condoms arenÕt 100% effective at blocking STDs; for example, herpes can be transmitted even when a condom is used. Don't believe it? Check out 6 STD Myths Debunked.
If youÕre the one receiving this information, be compassionate and donÕt freak out. That doesnÕt mean you have to proceed with sex. Step back and assess your health risk and comfort level, then decide if you want to take it further. Sex Mistake #9: Analyzing his equipment malfunction. This happens to every guy, but itÕs still an awkward moment for both. Unless deflated sails are an ongoing problem, donÕt make a big deal about it. Delving into the psychology of why heÕs gone flat and what it means only makes the situation worse. Click here for the GalÕs Guide to Her GuyÕs Equipment. ÒWho knows why it happens,Ó Taylor says. ÒHe could have suddenly had a [mental] flash of his grandmother that he couldnÕt control and the thought made him lose his erection.Ó
Follow his lead. If heÕs done, move on. But if he feels he can rally, Òkeep going and try something else,Ó Taylor says. ÒThere are so many things you can do in bed together that donÕt require an erect penis. Take it as a chance for him to focus on you for a few minutes.Ó
Sex Mistake #10: Blundering a booty call. LifeScript asked several sex experts for their tips for no-strings nookie: - Make sure youÕre both in it just for the sex. ÒIf one person is clearly looking for something more than a hook-up, itÕs rude to string them along with a series of booty calls,Ó says Amber Madison, author of Hooking Up: A GirlÕs All-Out Guide To Sex and Sexuality (Prometheus Books). Limit the drunken 3 a.m. phone calls. ÒThatÕs kind of when [flings] happen,Ó says Josey Vogels, author of Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy (HarperCollins). ÒBut waking someone up every Friday and Saturday night might be abusing your booty call privileges a bit.Ó - Be open if youÕre not exclusive. ÒIf you know your partner thinks youÕre just sleeping with him, itÕs unfair to let him carry on believing that,Ó Taylor says. ÒBut once itÕs out there, thereÕs no need to keep bringing it up.Ó - Keep things light. ÒYour booty call isnÕt the person you call if youÕve had a bad day,Ó Taylor says. You canÕt treat him like a partner. - If itÕs very late, text. ÒItÕs much less intrusive,Ó Taylor says. ÒIf theyÕre asleep, itÕs not going to wake them. If theyÕre with someone else, itÕs not going to be awkward.Ó Write something short and saucy. ÒWhen you send someone a message at 1 a.m. saying, Wht r u up to?, they know exactly what youÕre asking,Ó Taylor says.
Want to learn more? Get your own copies of More Hot Sex, Em & LoÕs Sex Toy, Hooking Up and Bedside Manners.
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